Sunday, 21 February 2010

Parents... :-/

Don't you hate when you watch a film or something on tv where a really skinny girl is eating a massive burger and you just know she probably hasn't eaten for a week and they try to make out that this big mac is a regular thing for her?! :P
Well this is something that irritates me...Yes that's the sad kind of thing I spend my time thinking about :-/

I didn't have anything all day and at dinner time I told my mum I wasn't hungry and she told me I would sit down and have a meal with everyone because she aparently never sees me eat anymore.
So my mum has started to realise I'm not actualy eating a great deal eventhough I feel like I pig out regularly!
I had some carrots and cabage and some meat she made which I felt ok about, but then she brought out the bread and butter pudding :S I had a bowl then felt like crap so I went staright to sick it all up. I'm feeling a little better now and plan to exercise A LOT later.
I went to a friend's 18th last night and I had done so well all day, I had 2 coffees and I didn't feel hungry at all and wasn't craving anything, but everytime I drink I just EAT and EAT so bloody much. I snaked alot and of course felt really sick after.
I think it's good that I feel sick when I eat now. It's like my body is telling me to stop, setting me a limit. And I feel good when I don't get to that limmit.
I'm going to try harder tomorrow.

I will be skinny one day :D Hope you guys are doing better than me!xxx

Friday, 19 February 2010


Thank you to the girls who have left comments on my posts, you are really great.
It's good to know someone out there is actually reading what I spend my hungry hours writing about, and that some of you can actually relate to what I'm going through =)

I think the jet lag has well and truly taken over.
I woke up at 3.30 pm this afternoon. It is now 5.21 a.m and eventhough I feel more tired than I have done in quite a while I don't feel like going to bed at all. I will regret this in the morning!
I did ok with food today, I didn't do amazing but considering the amount I've been eating lately I'm pleased. I had a coffe (or two) when I woke up and 2 slices of my mum's home made pizza for dinner. I could have kept to just one slice, but it looks like will power has failed me once again...:P
I exercized for about an hour tonight so I'm not feeling too bad, although my belly feels big again. Probably because of all the food I had when I was away :-/
I had SO much coffee in New York. I'm suprised I didn't have some kind of heart atack lol.
I have found that since I started dieting it has really helped. If I'm hungry or craving anything a milky coffee can keep going for hours. Eventhough the milk I put in it may be a little calorific, it keeps me from eating something containing much more fat and calories...It fills me up and gives me energy.
So I love coffee at the moment!

I'm impatient to start seeing changes in my weight now.
I think losing a little now would really give me the boost in confidence and motivation I'm in need of at the moment.
I'm feeling frustrated right now.
Why does it have to be like this? Why do we have to go through all this trouble just for our looks? Just to conform to what society tells us is beautiful.
Life would be so much more simple if being overweight was concidered beautiful and if stuffing your face with chips and chocolate was seen as cool.
But I guess this way only some of us can have what everyone else wants so badly.
The perfect body.

And eventhough we have to fight like hell to achieve it we will always feel so much better than them. So this is why we have to keep strong and never give up.

It is possible, eventhough sometimes it may not feel like it xxx

Thursday, 18 February 2010

New targets..

I got back from New York this morning and I feel absolutely exausted!!!
It was an amazing trip...New York is great :D
I spent most of the time shopping or lining up to see something..statue of liberty, empire state building etc etc :P hours and hours in queues!
But of course going away with school meant I didn't have much control over my eating as all the meals were pre aranged and paid for in advance. So I think I have put on about 1.5 kg..I'm kinda ok with it, I wasn't expecting to restrict my eating during this week so I'm not completely anoyed at myself. But I have eaten a lot today eventhough I'm home. I hope so badly that I'm not losing my will power because that's probably the worst thing that could happen right now. I need to concentrate and keep focused if I want to make this happen for myself.
I have been thinking, and as I'm so close to my 47 kg target and I'm not yet completely happy with my body, I'm going to set myself a new target of about 44.5 kg which is roughly 98 pounds. I'm starting again tomorrow. I've eaten loads today, but I'm letting myself off this one time (If you hear me say this again please tell me off!!) as I'm so tired and don't have the energy to concentrate on dieting!
My dad noticed for the first time today that I had lost weight. He said to my mum that I looked skinnier. I said I had lost a little, but that I thought I had put it back on in New York (which isn't a complete lie).
I'm glad he noticed just bacause he doesn't tend to notice those kinds of things which must mean that I actually look diferent...right..?
All the food I ate when I was away means that my stomach has expanded a little so I'm probably going to feel hungry faster than when I was properly dieting. I'm worried about getting past that stage again.
I will keep you updated with how I'm doing.
Keep strong and wish me luck!! xxx

Thursday, 11 February 2010

Whoever invented binges is an absolute idiot.

Another binge day..WHY?
Why isn't possible for me to have a really successful food day followed by anoter one? :S
I'm so anoyed at myself. What's wrong with me?
All I have to do is stop stuffing crap down my neck. Simple!

This is hard...:-/
I feel so fat right now. The worst feeling in the world is going to bed feeling bloated and knowing that you've eaten too much and that is exactly what I'm going to do :(

49 49 49 49!!!!

7 followers. Yay! Thanks guys, you're great :) Feel free to leave comments if you'de like!

I had a bit of a binge on tuesday night at my boyfriends house, as I for some reason I always do when I go to his house. Well I know exactly why...He has Sugar Puffs in his cupboard..and crunchy nut..My biggest weakness! I know It's wierd, but I just love cereal I can't get enought of it, and as at the time I'm eating it it doesn't feel fattening I just go on and have more and more and more...:P LOVE IT!
Anyway. I had that little cereal (and posibly some chocolate) binge, but I did really well on monday and yesterday I just had a bowl of soup and a small piece of bread, which for me is a very small amount. A couple of months ago I just wouldn't have been able to do that at I'm pleased with myself. I have come a long way from my 'eating whatever is in front of me' days. Thank God!

I just realised that everytime I talk about my boyfriend I tend to blame him for all my eating problems! It's not his fault at all. He just wants to make me happy and so if I ask him for food he gives it to me. He gives me whatever I want. He buys me things all the time even though I probably don't deserve half of it. He tells me I'm beautiful and that I don't need to lose any weight.
He is amazing and I love him so much. He is way to good to me! <3>Will I ever be happy in my own body?

I'm not hopeful.
I've been doing loads of exercise and it's working so well on my tummy. It's becoming really flat which is great, but my legs don't seem to be changing..I don't want to end up strangely out of proportion lol
Here is some thinspo.
I want to look like this! HELP!!

Monday, 8 February 2010

Strating over

I haven't done so well this week..I have been pretty much eating whatever I want, which means I haven't lost any weight at all..:(
I'm anoyed at myself, but I have been living of coffee today so I feel like I've managed to start again with this. Lets hope I don't ruin it at dinner.
I've stepped up my exercise.
I think the extra food has alowed me to do that which is most probably why I haven't put on any weight this week. I really hope I loose at least a cuple of pounds this week as I'm going to New York with school on saturday and my aim was to have reached my target weight by then, which by the way, has very obviously not happened (not that I was expecting it too!).
I found out today from a friend that if you lose over 2 pounds in a week you are considered to be crash dieting. Looks like I've been doing just that...crash diets are famous for making you lose loads of weight very fast but then making you put it all back on also very fast. I'm just wishing and hopping that this will NOT happen to me.
I'm done with feeling fat and disgusting, I don't think I could deal with gaining it all back and feeling like a fat ugly cow again. I noticed today how good it feels to walk without feeling my legs rub together and how nice it is to actually be a size 6 and not wearing really tight size 6 clothes just so I can say I'm a size 6...I feel happy and free from the disgusting lard that used to cover me.
I'm not at my target yet and I still feel like I have way too much horrible fat on my body, but I feel like I can do this.
I won't go back and I won't fall into that crash diet trap of putting it all back on when I achieve my target.
I will never go back. I can't put myself through that again.
I'm going to do some exercise now then some school work to keep my mind off food. For some reason making notes on (extremely boring) sociology keeps me from thinking of the warm loaf of bread or the chocolate and toffee icecream sitting in the kitchen just waiting to be eaten!

Keep strong, we can do this! xxx

Thursday, 4 February 2010

Another day...

I did a little better today..I only had a bread role and a coffee for lunch and a bowl of veggies and a tangerine for dinner, which is good compared to the amount I ate yesterday :S
My boyfriend came over for dinner and for some reason whenever he's around I always eat so much more..I snack and snack and snack..But I managed to control it today, so I'm pleased with myself for that.
I went to get some dollars today cos I'm going to New York on the 13th with school (so exited!). I had never realized how much dollars actually look like monopoly money :P I'm hopping I will have lost some more weight by then..I will be sharing a room with another three girls and I want to feel confident enough to get changed and stuff without feeling self concious. But I'm worried that I will be eating a lot of fast food there :S
I think people will just want to get food they won't have to wait around for and can walk around with, which probably means a lot of Mcdonalds. EEK!
I got a thin comment today! lol
I was sitting in my sociology lesson and the person sitting next to me said 'Beca, your fingers are so skinny, and you have lost weight on your face!' that made me happy, I used to have mega chubby cheeks (and still kinda do), so that’s a compliment :P I'm going to university next year and I don't want to go lookinf like some little kid with a really round face. But then I also got a 'Beca, you actually don't have any boobs anymore.' ... :-/ ..I don't care. If being thin means having small boobs I think it's worth it. I've done fat with big boobs and I didn't enjoy it at all.
I haven't lost for quite a few days now and I weighed myself this morning. I was up to 50.5 kg again, which is really crappy :S I really hope that the little amount of food I had today will in some way make up for all the rubbish I shoved down my throat all day yesterday. I plan on exercising a bit tonight, but I'm too tired to do very much.

I know I said that I don't like using pictures of celebrities as thinspo but I was online today and saw a picture of Pixie Lott. I think she's so pretty and has an amazing figure.
I so want to look like her! <3

Wednesday, 3 February 2010


Just had a massive binge..:S
I've been snaking all day and feel like total crap :S
AAAH im so anoyed at myself!


Tuesday, 2 February 2010

So close...

So I woke up this morning and went straigh to weigh myself. It feels a bit like christmas everytime. Like you are so exiteed to get that one present you really wanted, but will feel so devestated if you don't get it :P
Anyway..I weighed myself and I was just just under 50kg so like 49.9 kg..not an amazing result but I'm pleased cos I've been hovering between 50 and 51 kg for so long now and it was driving me crazy! Hopefully if I do well today there will be a more noticeable difference by tomorow.
I have never really spoken about his before but I am in no way pro-EDs...I mean, I don't get why you would want to look like a bag of bones :S I want to look thin an healthy not rediculously skinny with my bones poping out all over the place!

Would you really want to look like this?

I find it incredibly sad that there are girls out there that feel like they need to look like skeletons to be accepted...I know anorexia and bulimia are real ilnesses and I do not want to encourage anyone to become like that. It's so dangerous and really sad.

Wouldn't you much rather look like these girls?

They look beautiful and healthy and happy and that's what I want to be.
One of my best friends is a recovering anorexic and I've seen what a negative affect it can have not only on the person suffering from anorexia, but also the worry and distress it can cause the person's family and friends. :S

I'm not saying I've been eating particularly healthy amounts, but I don't think I would go on fasts or anything or under 400-500 calories a day. One because I just wouldn't have the will power and two because food really affects my mood. If I go too long without eating I get moody and bad tempered, which isn't nice for anyone around me. My boyfriend has mentioned my mood swings I've been having since I started my diet so I really have to try and keep them under control! I don't want to go to crazy with the whole not eating thing, but I at least want to stay under 1000 calories a day.
Exercising always makes me feel good, it generaly lifts my mood. I was reading a few girl's blogs and they all seem to go to the gym..isn't that kind of expencive?
I don't mind exercising by myself at home but I'm going to university next year they have a gym there so I might make the most of it :P

I'm feeling motivated at the moment..just have to wait and se how the rest of the day goes.
I'm so close I can't go back now!

I found this quote on another blog which I think would have really helped when I started out trying to lose the weight 'The only one who can stop me, is me'. <3

Monday, 1 February 2010

Feeling good :)

I haven't weighed myself today (it still feels like the 31st of january it's just quite late :P), but I'm feeling ok about it.
My day started off quite well I had a coffee and a tea for breakfast and came home at lunch time. I tryed sushi for the first time and didn't really like it (it was cheap stuff from the supermarket, so it probably wasn't very good anyway) and i didnt feel satisfied so I ended up having a bowl of cereal and a slice of brown bread with Philadelphia and chorizo on it. I felt crap about that, but I haven't eaten anything since then. I had a caramel latte as my dinner, but that's it. I love getting to the end of the day like this and feeling really hungry. It makes me feel like I've actually achieved something and brushing my teeth keeps me from snaking so I tend to well at night before bed. I exercised for about 2 hours tonight. I do it when I'm watching tv so it doesn't get too boring.
I tried on a pair of old jeans after which had been really tight on me since the day I got them and they were actually a perfect fit, if not slightly loose. I also tryed on a skirt I used to wear when I was like's still slightly tight but I think I could get away with wearing, so I'm happy about all this :)
I'm worried I'll weigh myself in the morning and not see any change thoug, this has happened before and it's really unmotivaion and my ractions are quite unpredictable..I could either go and stik my head in the frindge and eat everything in sight or try and work off the extra pounds.
When I first began to put on weight I got stretch marks on the inside and outside of my thighs. They were horrible and purple and just disgusting. They really used to get me down. I remember being on the beach like a year ago and puting my hands over them so people couldn't see. I looked today and you can bearly see them anymore. I was scared that with the weight loss they would reapear and become worse, because it's also possible to get them when you lose weight rapidly. But it seems like I've been lucky!
The whole point of losing the weight was about feeling better about myslef, more confident and happy and eventhough I haven't quite reached my target yet, I'm starting to feel really good, my boyfriend has really noticed a differnce. He has akways said I look good at any weight, but the other day he said I looked like had done when we first started going out (it will be two years this month!) and today my mum said 'You're looking very skinny these days, I hope you're eating enough'. The sence of achievement is amazing and looking in the mirror and seeing a slight deifference everyday is just the best feeling
But I'm so scared of going back and puting it all on again. I hated waking up every morning and hating everything about my body. I don't think I'm perfect or anything..I'm VERY far from it but I feel good and I'm happy and exited to achieve my weight target.
Maybe I'm just having a very positive day for some reason :P I still have times when I just think 'Omg I my tummy is so fat' or 'my legs are so gross'.
What really got me losing the first pounds was looking at real girl thinspiration on the internet and now what inspires me most is seeing the changes in my own body and realising it's actually possible to keep going. I don't like looking at celebrities or models for thinspiration because I feel it would be unrealistic to set myself a target that these people are achieving with top dietitians and personal trainers.
I hope tomorrow goes well, but I usually find that after a good day I have a bad one. I have an exam on wednesday so I'm at home all day tomorrow doing revision. Hopefully I won't lose all will power and over eat.
I've noticed lately that if I try to eat any kind of bread like in a sandwich or pizza I always feel really sick after..really full like my tummy has got too much food in it. Apparently bread expandss in your tummy..I used to eat it all the time, I'd somethimes have 2 sanwiches at lunch time and snak on bread in the evenings..hopefully this means my stomach has shrinked because even after 1 slice I feel really full these days.

Anyway, I won't ramble on anymore, I'm hoping there will be a change on the scales tomorrow morning..wish me luck!!

I hope it's going well with you guys, keep strong and beautiful and thin!! xx